Don't Judge me!

well,,,
recap again,,,
down with flu and super sensitive nose ytd..
so my nose is block and have to keep sneezing and blowing my nose..
 until the rest cannot take it and chase me home..
haha..

so i took time off and go home to re-boot myself..
system down and hanged..
haha..
so well.. went back at 5.15pm (my so call time off) after much chasing..
i am surprised..
the train is packed.. i thgt i was early but apparently it is normal working off hours for them.,..
 so head off and knock out..


as for today!! i am going JB for my birthday celebration..
so cya after my seafood feast.,.
will updated later... :)

back to back..

yo.. counting down to my birthday.. OH NOPE!!! haha..
this year will be a quiet and monotone one... as i am already back to single..
for my birthday wish..
i wan to have a good husband that will take care of me..
a family that will support me always..
and everyone else in good health..

and the best of all is.. my ah ma chinese birthday and my english birthday is very near this year.. :)
1 day different..
so i think i will just celebrate my birthday with her.. haha..

erm.. ytd my ah ma told my ah kim off..
why is that so..
coz of ah meng (not a monkey of coz.. it my 1 yr difference cousin)...
my ah ma is saying why everyone is avoiding ah meng without joining him for dinner..
but ah kim is like saying he started first ma..
so my ah ma told me abt it and i told her off...
it take 2 hands to clap and make a sound..
if other ppl are clapping but you are not..
where the sound come from..

so my ah ma told me..
you think you are very smart..
just become you know some philosophies dun make you clever as you are..
i admit to her.. i know i am not smart.. there will always be someone smarter out there..
but at least i am willing to listen..
i am willing to change..
to be frank.. how many of your grandchildren really listen to you and change..
i dare to tell you only 2..
your most precious 2.. mi and Jie jie..

you think the rest is willing to listen to your words just become of your age..
NO...
i listen coz i respect.. and i think that if it make sense to me.. i change.,.
i know that you all want a better mi.. so i change..
i make my life changing decision based on you.. i dun wan  to see you having regret..
but to you,, it is just nothing..
sometime i really wonder if it is just my attitude or my character that make me make that decision of listening to you..
but i told myself.. since i make it.. i CANNOT regret and have to live with it..
the rest.. what make you think that they will listen..

btw pk was there.. so she stood up for her mum..
she try to stop arguing after her mum told her that she is just angry with her and not PK..

sometime i just feel that my ah ma dun understand me after all..
not that i am great..
i have never been great,,,
i always tell myself that there are ppl out there smarter then me..
but if i fail.. i will not give up and try all over again..
that is me.. i will to try it until the last second.,.
even you might think that it is so stubborn of you...
but i wun give way...

i don't really take NO well.. but i always NO ppl.. a joke.. maybe.. haha..
well as such.. i ended my conversation with her in silent..
and off to bed..

today my ah ma told me that ah kim listen and sat down to have dinner with him.
but i have reserve.. coz how long can this last also.. but i am not in the position to comment on..
but sometime i am thinking if you are willing to listen and change..
you will have done it rite..
but if you dun have the heart to do it but act like you are going to do it..
so it will still end up the same.,.

and something happen in the office..
which i will blog abt it soon.. :)

signing out now..

my first Hindu movie

yo.. i am back.. haha... survive my first hindu movie with all the indians at suntec...
i am just not as racist as you all see that i am..  my first movie.. but i am not going back there again..
and the reason why is not that the movie is not nice.. but i find it don't seem real to me...
haha..

well.. let me back date a bit to 6 Jan 2015..
got a text msg from him..
and to be talking abt the backstabbing thing again...
it is not that i am not interested,, but i have learnt to ignore certain things that no longer bother me..
so he text me again to argue about this matter..
yes.. it is true that there are many types of ppl in this world..
you have to know that you are not able to change the people to what you like or you hope them to be.. so you can only learn to accept it..

if you really think that these ppl you can not make friend with..
den forgo them..
you don't need a lot of friends that will leave you once prob start to prove that you are popular..
you can never pleased everyone in the world and expect them to love you back the same..
this is call reality..
so you just have to face it....
beside you just need a few really understand you and good friend to be with you when you are down..
boil down to a point of how you choose and what you wan..
so i choose to ignore and move on with life.. :)
to make a better me..

but somehow good heart may not have good return..
i remember that it is his mum birthday so i wish her..
i dun find it wrong..
so he told me.. my parent are very disappointed in you..
come on.. i think shd be i am the one disappointed???
like hello.. your son got a new target like how long have we broke up..
so even if you wan to blame.. blame your own son..
i also realize that what is love when it can not even fight with your family...

mouth say is i let go.. but the truth.. we all know..
but since it is already the past.. so i dun wan to talk abt it..
and the second funny thing happen...
he told me he wan to lessen the communication with me..
when we didnt even talk or text or msg each other until that night that you msg me..
i am just being polite that i reply the msg and i treated you as a friend...
if not i can dun even reply you..

sometime i also just so sick of telling ppl when they choose not to listen in the first place..
there are many things that i had told you before..
and you came back telling me what i have told you before and keep asking me to keep my distance..
i think you are the one getting the wrong idea..

it shd not have bother you who i wan to trust and friend with...
i am no longer a small kid.. i am a mature working adult that know the right and wrong..
so ya.. and dun worry.. i wun distub you at all... :)

so let go back to ytd..
erm.. my first hindu movie with hana, sheena and faezah.. Keke...
my first impression.. OH MY GOD.. I AM IN AN AREA FULL OF INDIANS..
GOD SAVE ME!! so i told myself.. get over it..
what done can not be undone..
so i sat through the whole movie with popcorn in my hand..
haha..
and well i did it..

erm.. but i will think that i will not want to try again..
haha.. maybe i am too confuse with it.. :P
but the dance is nice and the ladies are very pretty..
so i think it is just me and my stupid mindset..

oh oh.. i am suppose to take up the responsibility of pursuing my ah ma not to ask her friends to go with us for the taiwan trip.. :)
thinking of way to tell ah ma.. haix...

oh ya.. and ytd morning got a melt down nagging from my ah yi.
why is it that..
coz she say that i nv keep her inform of the trip planning..
but she didnt tell me abt her plan too ma..
so actually both side have fault rite..
she want me to apologies for not informing...
i felt that i don't have to apologise for it..
but i give in..
so you see.. i am just not someone that will like to fight with family..
i can die for my friends and family..
but i realise that i am not able to do it for love..
so.. what is there to say..

hahah...

Knocking out soon.. slpy head on the way..

how i view love and family..

Last year, 3 Oct 2015, i broke off with my long relationship of 8 yrs bf just because of a belief...
Close my year of 2015 with heart pain, loneliness and despair....

It all happens on 2013 after my ah ma had met YW during chinese new year... she went to temple to draw lot for my marriage life and it turn out to be a bad lot.. she belong to the very superstitious type...   so she told me to end it with him.. but as i have invested a hell lot of time in this relationship.. i can not let go.. and  that year had a lot of downturn in my life.. my ah gong passed away... i didnt manage to get my BTO.. i have bad relationship with my colleagues.. lot and lot of things happen that put me down...

but i told YW abt it and have a lot of quarrels over it.. to the extent of lying to my ah ma that i have broke off with him le.. it stop the nonsense for a while.. i was even close to getting a house with him... i don't wan to let go... beside who can guarantee me that i will find someone that will love me like he do.. pamper me like he do and to take my shit attitude like he do... so i refuse to give up and fight on with him.. i love him and i really do when i say it.. i am not a person that will show my true heart to ppl easily.. maybe easy going.. but i dun show my cards..

coz of my family backgroumd.. i find it hard to have confidence or to find someone like him that is able to take my shit.. but soon my ah ma start to suspect again... so she went to draw the second lot that telling me if i broke off with him, it will be better as we are not suitable for each other in the future.. i am under the constant pressure from my family members.. at one point of time.. i want to run away from home.. i hate a home that i am under constant pressure.. i have a mum that don't give a fuck to what i do and ah ma that is taking care of me but forcing me to break up...

i told myself.. give me some time.. let me finish my studies and let him finish his studies.. we will then see if we are still going strong... that drag on for another 3 yrs... we have our fights and downs.. but we are always able to get pass it and move on.. is that good.. of coz it is good to me.. who don't want a man that can stand by her.. lend her a shoulder to lend on.. he is all i ever wanted.,

 but in Sep 2015.. my ah ma found out that i have cheat her of breaking up with YW.. so that is when the big fight started... i was in war with my ah ma.. we see each other daily but we are not talking to each other... there is always silent between us.. which in my 25 yrs of life nv happen.. she refuse to talk to me.. and got all my aunts, uncles and cousins to talk me out..

what i have i done to deserve it.. can you imagine the pressure.. and the work pressure... beside he is being understanding to me.. but telling me to ignore it is no longer possible... i dun see a reason why i shd break up with him... that is when my ah ma throw me a Grenade.. it is either him or us (family)... if i choose him.. in future with anything happen she will not be there for me.. and she will not give me the blessing... telling me to think carefully for my future since i have a mother that dont give a damn to me..

i told him that .. we tried.. really tried to come up with a solution but nothing came up.. i think he is too sick of it le.. so it is a sign for me to let go.. i dont want to hold on to him and if anything happen in the future, i bet he will hate me more.. so i took that step and broke off on 3 Oct 2015 with me weeping like nobody business on his shoulder.. i can never forget the night with that look on his eyes..

after that we tried to talk it out... but i think he is too strong headed on it.. and we stop all contact... over a night i felt like i lost everything.. i lost my best friend, my soul mate, the only person that i can talk abt anything in this world to... my heart is struggling very hard...

so after 2 month where i met him again.. the whole heart breaking feeling came back... i kept my cool.. but inside bleeding... i hate that i have to let him go.. i may be without any direction.. i felt empty inside..

after that a sequence of events happened and we fall out again.. that is when i know that it is the end.. our relationship of 8yrs had died... i force myself not to look at his Instagram and Facebook.. i shut myself up... i went out alone,, i do a lot of things alone..

two weeks after our fallout.. i saw that he is in love with another gal... so tell me what is 8 yrs of relationship when he can easily find another one... what is love to me at that moment.. i will tell you.. it is bullshit..... love is something that you can change your mind easily.. love is something that is not stable and hurts you like shit... 8 days after we broke up... he told me that i will regret... i had lost someone important.. that is true..

but 3 months after we broke off and he found someone new,,, it make me realise something.. love is all mouth talk.. maybe i am the one that is more slow in getting over... but in the new year .. i tell myself.. no more.. i will not make myself sad anymore with all his nonsense... i will live my way with my family... since i am not able to get love.. at least i got my family with me... so if you ask me if i regret my decision of breaking off.. maybe in the first place but it seem to get better with time... family is still there for me when i fall...

for this new year,, i wan a new relationship.. i wan someone that will appreciate me and love me.. someone that can not do without me (not just mouth only)... and i wan my family and friends to have all the joy and health this year... i will not dull on my past that i can not change.. but i will change my present for a better future... :)

this post is not meant to target anyone but for the story of my relationship,, something that i didn't tell anyone coz at that point of time i am not ready to share, but like to clarify it now..

Office birthday celebration today

Have birthday celebration today in office..
Was kind of piss off by the last mins crop up..
Things are always meant to plan well..
My bones are breaking over all.

I am getting fatter and fatter..
My god..
I have to start to cut down on my food intake le..

Dieting on the way.. Self discipline is the key! :)

Saturday morning in office.

I felt that my body is going to give way anytime.
have been attending lessons for 3 mths le..
but my body haven adjust to it yet..
haix..

and the work load is piling up..
i wan to take a break and have a kit kat..
this year is really a super tough year..
no bonus, no holiday and worse of all no stoppage at work..
haix..

Anyway, i am always told to look at the brighter side.

have a great weekend ahead! cheers!

long long time

i once thgt that i will stop blogging.. coz my life has been going the way i wan it to be.. out of poly, out of pamper home, started my first job, started my new life..

been through quite a bit of my recent past month.. everyone is telling mi that is working life.. i understand that but i just felt so helpless..

how long do i have to take to accept the sudden changes that is happening to my life..
A single parent family, a workaholic, a failure in exam..

have been trying very hard to stay happy..
stress are piling up and i have been trying very hard to control it...

i promise myself that i will work hard for my study.. i must graduate by 2014..
i wan to have the graduate hat and tell everyone proudly that i have done my best..

pushing myself to the max.. hope it will bring me to another higher level..

think i will be back to blog soon..