post-birthday post!!

my birthday is officially over,, :)

but it is very fun ytd.. 

Totally shock and surprise when my colleagues planned a stay caution for me!!

Let me start from 27 Jan 2016.. 

went out with fanni, yi xue, peggy and hana for a celebration..

the food at charlie brown cafe @ cineleisure is just so-so.. 

but since hana like...

so i am okay with it.. :) 

have some chit chat and take home my ba gua from, Yi Xue...

 the old brand: Lim Chee Lin.. 

yummy!!! :P 

Stay up for the night.. 

was actually hoping for a birthday msg that nv come... 

it really let me know where i stand...

not even friend... 

if you ignore me, i decide to not wait around not even friend, i wont bug you or talk to you anymore.. 

as simple as that.. 

sure it is going to be hard and it is going to hurt me real back.. 

but it will not hurt as much as being ignores.. so i think i deserve better than that.. 

i will move on and find someone that is for me and who actually cares about me... 

and the worse part is my ah ma telling me that she is busy.. 

not able to go zoo with me despite me telling her long ago.. 

my mood totally went down.. 

i dun understand why... 

actually what i am hoping for.. 

i really dont know...

emptiness filled me.. 

i felt that i am being give up.. 

heartbroken.. 

i didnt want to talk to anyone about it... 

 it make me felt very unimportant all... 

so i just kept quiet through but my ah ma seem to catch my mood and told me that she will go... 

 but when the mood is spoil.. it is spoil...

sometime i feel that humor seem to hide my depression well from everyone.. 

and it make some of me to be better.. 

sometime when you are good to someone.. 

it just becoz he is your friend... 

Love is a long life commitment that i will not jump into it again... 

so i will just wait.. 

well... let me go to ytd (28 Jan 2016).. 

which is the actual day of my birthday..

so i went to zoo with my ah ma.. 

actually i am already half hearten.. 

since i slept late the day only at 3 am.. 

,

brought my ah ma out to take train and bus.. 

it is actually very smooth.. 

we reach the market and the bus come.. 

to reach zoo.. 

we only took 45 mins instead of the  1 hr and 15 mins.. 

save 30 mins.. 

woohoo... 

haha..after that went to take the ticket.. 

free!!! <3 div="">

so we went to the River Safari.. 

walk ard and went to see the Panda.. 

and the best surprise is when both panda came out to play..

woohoo..haha... :) 

so we are sure lucky.. i think it is becoz of 2 birthday gals there..

haha.. 

well many memories came back... 

and i told myself...

face it and move on..

after that we went to the Zoo.. 

it is free too!!! :O

shocked..

 dun be... 

but only managed to finish half as it is really tiring...

and well i am with a 80 plus yr old granny.. 

so ya.. can not go too far... 

told ah ma to take cab but she wan to save money.. 

so we took bus and train again... 

we are lucky as it is raining heavily.. 

but when we reach.. it stop..

after sending my ah ma back home.. 

i went out to meet sheena they all for my second round of celebration..

the funny thing is that i went to bugis to meet them for movie..
as they had planned... 

guess what they are late.. so i went walking ard.. 

until sheena called mi..

she told me we have to go somewhere.. 

so i took a cab with her and was blindfolded..

suspected something go on..

and she refuse to say anything..

after that i got out a cab and this sheena bring me merry go round..

haha... 

keep hitting the wall.. 

and the one that give her away.. 

tapping the card for lift.. i got this problem so many times..
so i am sure that it is a hotel.. haha..
tap card to use lift.. :P 

but really surprise by my kakaks and the rest..

haha.. :) 

really really super love them..

the best birthday celebration for my 27 years... 

den we play throughout the night..

can you believe it that all of them took leave and time to prepare this staycaution just for me.. 

knowing that i will have no one to spend with for my this yr birthday!! T.T 

i love them all to the bits..

really do.. :)
am super touched for their kind gesture.. 

den today i got back from staycaution..

totally battery drain.. not working at all..

haha... 

so came back home and do cleaning up.

haha..

oh i forget to cat walk for my boots... haha.. 

later den i go and take photo..

I wish time can turn back..
why so fast i am already 27... T.T

saw his post about the entry.. 

so i am a mistake that he had make.. 

well.. i accept it.. 

it is a mistake in the first place..

a mistake i make for giving that chance which i shd not have...
blame myself.. 

that is why my ah ma told me that i have to move on..
i love my family, friends and colleagues.. 

My birthday! ;)

Today marks the day of my birth!!
Everyone is brought to this world for a reason!! So am I...
I thank god that I have you in my past 8 YRs..

But this year is the year where I stand alone!
It Mark my independence day! I can do it...

This year I hope to have a good life ahead! With every little good things happening to me..
Be it health,career, education, relationships and life.. I wan a many super duper good years ahead...

I am going to the zoo today!! As in I wan to see my animal! Be it with my Ah ma or alone!
I wan to enjoy myself and no worries ahead! :)

Photos will be later when I am free kay!! :)

Although I still miss that time.. But I know I have to grow up and start a new life! :)
Like you say.. There is no turning back once the decision is made... :) I agreed to that..

we shall see...

so that this week is my birthday week..
and i am totally pack on my weekdays night and weekends with meeting up friends and family..
thank you all for the loves despite me being so broken...

talk to my ah ma ytd about my feeling..
she dont get it..
seem simple, if you wan to break just let it go and forget it..
if i just started, at least not so bad. .
but 8 yrs...
i dun noe how to ease that part of my life from my memory..

i try and really wanted too..
but i think i still need some time..
watching jay chou last last concert..
trust me.. it is the most happy concert i have went...
sometime it just dun matter who is having the concert but the one that accompanying you to watch.,.
it holds many memories for me as i watch it twice.. :)

den i decide to listen to the songs again ytd...
my two fav songs.. :)

想回到过去

盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁
想回到过去 / 试著抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界 / 想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜

沉默支撑跃过陌生 / 静静看着凌晨黄昏
你的身影 / 失去平衡 / 慢慢下沉
想回到过去

能不能給我一首歌的時間

#雨淋濕了天空　毀的很講究
你說你不懂　為何在這時牽手
我曬乾了沉默　悔的很衝動
就算這是做錯　也只是怕錯過
在一起叫夢
分開了叫痛
是不是說　沒有做完的夢最痛
迷路的後果　我能承受
這最後的出口在愛過了才有#
*能不能給我一首歌的時間
緊緊的把那擁抱變成永遠
在我的懷裏你不用害怕失眠
哦~　如果你想忘記我也能失憶
能不能給我一首歌的時間
把故事聽到最後才說再見
你送我的眼淚　讓它留在雨天
哦~　越過你劃的線我定了勇氣的終點*
哦　你說我不該不該　不該在這時候說了我愛你
要怎麼證明我沒有說謊的力氣
哦　請告訴我　暫停算不算放棄
我只有一天的回憶
你說我不該不該　不該在這時說了愛你
要怎麼證明我沒力氣
告诉我暂停算不算放弃
我說我不該不該　不該在這時才說愛你
要怎麼證明我沒有力氣
我只有一天的回憶


so i will just wait for the next right one to come.. :) 
and i think one fine day i will just be fine.. 

but i think this year is really a new start for me..
i will overcome all and come out as a winner... 
i can do it! ;)

shall see if i have time to update my birthday celebration this week a not.. 
if not sorry readers,, 
you might have to wait until i am free.. :) 

my emotions...

my grandma is not doing well this few days..

so went to pray with her at Guan Ying ma there..

i just wan her to be in good health... 

and the rest i dun wan to talk le.. 

i hate it when i have no one to talk to when i am facing problem..
i hate that there is no listening ear when i need advise..
i hate it when there is no one to cheer me up, stand up for me, clear the air for me..
i hate that i lost my best friend, a listening ear and someone that is able to cheer me up...

i may have many friends but when in times of needs..
i realise that it is so hard to find someone that can trust and believe in me..

reality check..
things are not what they seem to be but ppl choose to believe rumours den to use their brain and think..
so i conclude that ppl are lazy coz they choose the easy way out...

my point of view.. 

that is it..

i will not explain anymore..
i really think it is none of my business.

keep the bloody comment to yourself..
coz i dun think i have done any wrong..

i am standing strong with my faith and there is nothing to explain as i have nothing to hide..

ranting on..

Back! :)

let talk about my personal life.. 

these few days are in total havoc.. 

let start with saturday..
came back to office.. work work..
and then went to the motor road show 2016...
woo.. blow your mind off.. the queue is a killer.. can not even see the tail..
so took some photo outside and went back home..
haha..

as for sunday..
lays ard in my bed until 9am..
haha.. wondering when i will be able to get my full term rest..
but nvm.. woke up..
went to bugis..
ask about my career and studies...
wondering if i shd go for Master in Maritime studies in NTU???
but the money is kind of keeping me off..
i think i shd but the money... O.O

after the praying.. went back to office..
i am a workaholic.. so what..
haha..
well..
augustine is also in the office.. >.<
so i am not the only one.. haha.. :)

trying very hard to clear up my filing..
but it seem to not going down..
T.T
my life is sad..

rushing home at 4pm..
coz Chief and Mdm ask me to go dinner to celebrate their birthday..
so Sir JJ, Wei Xin, Lopez and richard with chief and family go for korea bbq..
well.. i clear up the misunderstanding of he not letting me go back to TKD..
actually is i not going down due to i forget all my patterns already and to avoid some other things..
but it is just purely on me and nothing to do with him..
i dun noe if they understand a not.. but i felt the need to clarify...
i dun wan to create anymore misunderstanding as i am really tired of it..
hope they can stop it.. -.-

so after that i went straight home to iron my clothes..
and back to office on Monday..
haha,,

while i am back to office..
something happen..
i dun understand why.. but i can feel that zaleh they all are moving out from me..
as in we used to talk and joke like nobody business..
but after the incident.. i felt that we are not longer in the same frequency.

there is nothing going on between me and Mr. Ali...
NOTHING!!!!!
you all dun understand me at all..
if you are someone close to me.. be it family, friends or bf..
i will have stand up for you if i think that you are not what others talking abt..

i dun side anyone..
i just think that if it make sense and your character proven wise..
i will just choose to believe you..
i am not someone that will just go for benefit regardless of fact..
always GIVE people the benefit of doubt before you judge a person..

keep an open mind..
i wun say over trust but at least listen to the explanation..
stubborn ppl will reject explanation and think they are right..
that will be up to them..
but i felt being attacked for no reason..

got my appraisal on tuesday..
well.. as can see i am getting better..
so ya..
but i think there are still many areas for improvement.

but something happen in the office that make a bunch of us fall out. .
why it happen..
i can not say.. you will never understand a person heart..
as they can talk in front of you good things.. but backstab you behind..
i have not been a backstabber..
so i think i will not call anyone backstabber..
just to avoid any misunderstanding..
but sometime misunderstanding also can kill..

and the drama continue until wednesday..
which is ytd..
i have been told abt something..
but i just lend a listening ear..
i dun see that i have make any mistake..
but keeping silent is not a solution..
i felt very unfair to me...
but if the person involved refuse to speak the truth..
what can i do..
avoid the person??
i dun noe what i can do now..

at a lost..
and i dun understand why everyone is saying that i attract different skin color guys. .
i am not and will not be..

i think i will continue it later or tomorrow..

My Advance Birthday Celebration @ Pasir Gudang!

okay.. so i think i blog about going to Pasir Gudang for seafood feast ytd,,

and let me continue the story from there.. 

we all left office at 5.30pm.. 

self declared time off.. 

but since we all come early..

so we go back on the dot.. haha..

a bit of jam in the custom..
but all are well.. :)
and you wun believe.. the car is super!! :)
i felt like a super star in such a starex!!
a very big THANK YOU to Mr Ali for all the planning and coordination..

we reach the restaurant ard 8.30pm...
ya.. late dinner.. but the food was super!! :)
i order as Mr. Ali give me the honor of doing so..
and i cannot shift away from my crabS!!
yup.. so we have fish, prawn, crab, sotong.. you name it we have it!!
haha..

it is really generous of him,.,
which make me think back.. i used to have a boy that is generous to my request...
but well.. shift out from there..
haha...
so we have a very sumptuous dinner and Mr. ali was very kind to help me peel the crab!!
i am eating all the pincers!!! since no one else are eating ma.. haha.. :)

and den this is where the surprise come from..
Mr. Ali keep insisting on the fruits.. but we are like..
" DUN NEED LA MR ALI!! WE ARE ALL VERY FULL ALREADY!!"
but he insisted and we let him..
haha..

after that.. i saw a very big box and the waiter is walking over to us. .
i was think.. why the waiter is bring us a box instead of fruit. .
i have my reserve..
but the next moment.. i got the whole picture..
Mr. Ali had actually order a cake for me..
so it become my advance birthday celebration!! :)
well,, i am surprise, touched and very very happy..

excluding the part where i am being smash in the face by my our birthday cake by augtinus and sheena..
the two of them watch out.. :P
i shall have my revenge on their birthday!! haha..
but overall i felt very very happy..

i think this year there are many new challenges for me and i have to get back to being independent on my own as i have rely on him too much.,.
well as can see that he is getting on with his life well.. i will have to move on too..
have many pictures and videos but i am super lazy to upload.. haha..
sorry ppl.. you all just have to wait for it.. since good things are worth the wait.. haha.. :)

and ytd was 15 Jan 2016.. my heart don't hurt that much now.. :)

Don't Judge me!

well,,,
recap again,,,
down with flu and super sensitive nose ytd..
so my nose is block and have to keep sneezing and blowing my nose..
 until the rest cannot take it and chase me home..
haha..

so i took time off and go home to re-boot myself..
system down and hanged..
haha..
so well.. went back at 5.15pm (my so call time off) after much chasing..
i am surprised..
the train is packed.. i thgt i was early but apparently it is normal working off hours for them.,..
 so head off and knock out..


as for today!! i am going JB for my birthday celebration..
so cya after my seafood feast.,.
will updated later... :)

back to back..

yo.. counting down to my birthday.. OH NOPE!!! haha..
this year will be a quiet and monotone one... as i am already back to single..
for my birthday wish..
i wan to have a good husband that will take care of me..
a family that will support me always..
and everyone else in good health..

and the best of all is.. my ah ma chinese birthday and my english birthday is very near this year.. :)
1 day different..
so i think i will just celebrate my birthday with her.. haha..

erm.. ytd my ah ma told my ah kim off..
why is that so..
coz of ah meng (not a monkey of coz.. it my 1 yr difference cousin)...
my ah ma is saying why everyone is avoiding ah meng without joining him for dinner..
but ah kim is like saying he started first ma..
so my ah ma told me abt it and i told her off...
it take 2 hands to clap and make a sound..
if other ppl are clapping but you are not..
where the sound come from..

so my ah ma told me..
you think you are very smart..
just become you know some philosophies dun make you clever as you are..
i admit to her.. i know i am not smart.. there will always be someone smarter out there..
but at least i am willing to listen..
i am willing to change..
to be frank.. how many of your grandchildren really listen to you and change..
i dare to tell you only 2..
your most precious 2.. mi and Jie jie..

you think the rest is willing to listen to your words just become of your age..
NO...
i listen coz i respect.. and i think that if it make sense to me.. i change.,.
i know that you all want a better mi.. so i change..
i make my life changing decision based on you.. i dun wan  to see you having regret..
but to you,, it is just nothing..
sometime i really wonder if it is just my attitude or my character that make me make that decision of listening to you..
but i told myself.. since i make it.. i CANNOT regret and have to live with it..
the rest.. what make you think that they will listen..

btw pk was there.. so she stood up for her mum..
she try to stop arguing after her mum told her that she is just angry with her and not PK..

sometime i just feel that my ah ma dun understand me after all..
not that i am great..
i have never been great,,,
i always tell myself that there are ppl out there smarter then me..
but if i fail.. i will not give up and try all over again..
that is me.. i will to try it until the last second.,.
even you might think that it is so stubborn of you...
but i wun give way...

i don't really take NO well.. but i always NO ppl.. a joke.. maybe.. haha..
well as such.. i ended my conversation with her in silent..
and off to bed..

today my ah ma told me that ah kim listen and sat down to have dinner with him.
but i have reserve.. coz how long can this last also.. but i am not in the position to comment on..
but sometime i am thinking if you are willing to listen and change..
you will have done it rite..
but if you dun have the heart to do it but act like you are going to do it..
so it will still end up the same.,.

and something happen in the office..
which i will blog abt it soon.. :)

signing out now..

my first Hindu movie

yo.. i am back.. haha... survive my first hindu movie with all the indians at suntec...
i am just not as racist as you all see that i am..  my first movie.. but i am not going back there again..
and the reason why is not that the movie is not nice.. but i find it don't seem real to me...
haha..

well.. let me back date a bit to 6 Jan 2015..
got a text msg from him..
and to be talking abt the backstabbing thing again...
it is not that i am not interested,, but i have learnt to ignore certain things that no longer bother me..
so he text me again to argue about this matter..
yes.. it is true that there are many types of ppl in this world..
you have to know that you are not able to change the people to what you like or you hope them to be.. so you can only learn to accept it..

if you really think that these ppl you can not make friend with..
den forgo them..
you don't need a lot of friends that will leave you once prob start to prove that you are popular..
you can never pleased everyone in the world and expect them to love you back the same..
this is call reality..
so you just have to face it....
beside you just need a few really understand you and good friend to be with you when you are down..
boil down to a point of how you choose and what you wan..
so i choose to ignore and move on with life.. :)
to make a better me..

but somehow good heart may not have good return..
i remember that it is his mum birthday so i wish her..
i dun find it wrong..
so he told me.. my parent are very disappointed in you..
come on.. i think shd be i am the one disappointed???
like hello.. your son got a new target like how long have we broke up..
so even if you wan to blame.. blame your own son..
i also realize that what is love when it can not even fight with your family...

mouth say is i let go.. but the truth.. we all know..
but since it is already the past.. so i dun wan to talk abt it..
and the second funny thing happen...
he told me he wan to lessen the communication with me..
when we didnt even talk or text or msg each other until that night that you msg me..
i am just being polite that i reply the msg and i treated you as a friend...
if not i can dun even reply you..

sometime i also just so sick of telling ppl when they choose not to listen in the first place..
there are many things that i had told you before..
and you came back telling me what i have told you before and keep asking me to keep my distance..
i think you are the one getting the wrong idea..

it shd not have bother you who i wan to trust and friend with...
i am no longer a small kid.. i am a mature working adult that know the right and wrong..
so ya.. and dun worry.. i wun distub you at all... :)

so let go back to ytd..
erm.. my first hindu movie with hana, sheena and faezah.. Keke...
my first impression.. OH MY GOD.. I AM IN AN AREA FULL OF INDIANS..
GOD SAVE ME!! so i told myself.. get over it..
what done can not be undone..
so i sat through the whole movie with popcorn in my hand..
haha..
and well i did it..

erm.. but i will think that i will not want to try again..
haha.. maybe i am too confuse with it.. :P
but the dance is nice and the ladies are very pretty..
so i think it is just me and my stupid mindset..

oh oh.. i am suppose to take up the responsibility of pursuing my ah ma not to ask her friends to go with us for the taiwan trip.. :)
thinking of way to tell ah ma.. haix...

oh ya.. and ytd morning got a melt down nagging from my ah yi.
why is it that..
coz she say that i nv keep her inform of the trip planning..
but she didnt tell me abt her plan too ma..
so actually both side have fault rite..
she want me to apologies for not informing...
i felt that i don't have to apologise for it..
but i give in..
so you see.. i am just not someone that will like to fight with family..
i can die for my friends and family..
but i realise that i am not able to do it for love..
so.. what is there to say..

hahah...

Knocking out soon.. slpy head on the way..

how i view love and family..

Last year, 3 Oct 2015, i broke off with my long relationship of 8 yrs bf just because of a belief...
Close my year of 2015 with heart pain, loneliness and despair....

It all happens on 2013 after my ah ma had met YW during chinese new year... she went to temple to draw lot for my marriage life and it turn out to be a bad lot.. she belong to the very superstitious type...   so she told me to end it with him.. but as i have invested a hell lot of time in this relationship.. i can not let go.. and  that year had a lot of downturn in my life.. my ah gong passed away... i didnt manage to get my BTO.. i have bad relationship with my colleagues.. lot and lot of things happen that put me down...

but i told YW abt it and have a lot of quarrels over it.. to the extent of lying to my ah ma that i have broke off with him le.. it stop the nonsense for a while.. i was even close to getting a house with him... i don't wan to let go... beside who can guarantee me that i will find someone that will love me like he do.. pamper me like he do and to take my shit attitude like he do... so i refuse to give up and fight on with him.. i love him and i really do when i say it.. i am not a person that will show my true heart to ppl easily.. maybe easy going.. but i dun show my cards..

coz of my family backgroumd.. i find it hard to have confidence or to find someone like him that is able to take my shit.. but soon my ah ma start to suspect again... so she went to draw the second lot that telling me if i broke off with him, it will be better as we are not suitable for each other in the future.. i am under the constant pressure from my family members.. at one point of time.. i want to run away from home.. i hate a home that i am under constant pressure.. i have a mum that don't give a fuck to what i do and ah ma that is taking care of me but forcing me to break up...

i told myself.. give me some time.. let me finish my studies and let him finish his studies.. we will then see if we are still going strong... that drag on for another 3 yrs... we have our fights and downs.. but we are always able to get pass it and move on.. is that good.. of coz it is good to me.. who don't want a man that can stand by her.. lend her a shoulder to lend on.. he is all i ever wanted.,

 but in Sep 2015.. my ah ma found out that i have cheat her of breaking up with YW.. so that is when the big fight started... i was in war with my ah ma.. we see each other daily but we are not talking to each other... there is always silent between us.. which in my 25 yrs of life nv happen.. she refuse to talk to me.. and got all my aunts, uncles and cousins to talk me out..

what i have i done to deserve it.. can you imagine the pressure.. and the work pressure... beside he is being understanding to me.. but telling me to ignore it is no longer possible... i dun see a reason why i shd break up with him... that is when my ah ma throw me a Grenade.. it is either him or us (family)... if i choose him.. in future with anything happen she will not be there for me.. and she will not give me the blessing... telling me to think carefully for my future since i have a mother that dont give a damn to me..

i told him that .. we tried.. really tried to come up with a solution but nothing came up.. i think he is too sick of it le.. so it is a sign for me to let go.. i dont want to hold on to him and if anything happen in the future, i bet he will hate me more.. so i took that step and broke off on 3 Oct 2015 with me weeping like nobody business on his shoulder.. i can never forget the night with that look on his eyes..

after that we tried to talk it out... but i think he is too strong headed on it.. and we stop all contact... over a night i felt like i lost everything.. i lost my best friend, my soul mate, the only person that i can talk abt anything in this world to... my heart is struggling very hard...

so after 2 month where i met him again.. the whole heart breaking feeling came back... i kept my cool.. but inside bleeding... i hate that i have to let him go.. i may be without any direction.. i felt empty inside..

after that a sequence of events happened and we fall out again.. that is when i know that it is the end.. our relationship of 8yrs had died... i force myself not to look at his Instagram and Facebook.. i shut myself up... i went out alone,, i do a lot of things alone..

two weeks after our fallout.. i saw that he is in love with another gal... so tell me what is 8 yrs of relationship when he can easily find another one... what is love to me at that moment.. i will tell you.. it is bullshit..... love is something that you can change your mind easily.. love is something that is not stable and hurts you like shit... 8 days after we broke up... he told me that i will regret... i had lost someone important.. that is true..

but 3 months after we broke off and he found someone new,,, it make me realise something.. love is all mouth talk.. maybe i am the one that is more slow in getting over... but in the new year .. i tell myself.. no more.. i will not make myself sad anymore with all his nonsense... i will live my way with my family... since i am not able to get love.. at least i got my family with me... so if you ask me if i regret my decision of breaking off.. maybe in the first place but it seem to get better with time... family is still there for me when i fall...

for this new year,, i wan a new relationship.. i wan someone that will appreciate me and love me.. someone that can not do without me (not just mouth only)... and i wan my family and friends to have all the joy and health this year... i will not dull on my past that i can not change.. but i will change my present for a better future... :)

this post is not meant to target anyone but for the story of my relationship,, something that i didn't tell anyone coz at that point of time i am not ready to share, but like to clarify it now..