how i view love and family..

Last year, 3 Oct 2015, i broke off with my long relationship of 8 yrs bf just because of a belief...
Close my year of 2015 with heart pain, loneliness and despair....

It all happens on 2013 after my ah ma had met YW during chinese new year... she went to temple to draw lot for my marriage life and it turn out to be a bad lot.. she belong to the very superstitious type...   so she told me to end it with him.. but as i have invested a hell lot of time in this relationship.. i can not let go.. and  that year had a lot of downturn in my life.. my ah gong passed away... i didnt manage to get my BTO.. i have bad relationship with my colleagues.. lot and lot of things happen that put me down...

but i told YW abt it and have a lot of quarrels over it.. to the extent of lying to my ah ma that i have broke off with him le.. it stop the nonsense for a while.. i was even close to getting a house with him... i don't wan to let go... beside who can guarantee me that i will find someone that will love me like he do.. pamper me like he do and to take my shit attitude like he do... so i refuse to give up and fight on with him.. i love him and i really do when i say it.. i am not a person that will show my true heart to ppl easily.. maybe easy going.. but i dun show my cards..

coz of my family backgroumd.. i find it hard to have confidence or to find someone like him that is able to take my shit.. but soon my ah ma start to suspect again... so she went to draw the second lot that telling me if i broke off with him, it will be better as we are not suitable for each other in the future.. i am under the constant pressure from my family members.. at one point of time.. i want to run away from home.. i hate a home that i am under constant pressure.. i have a mum that don't give a fuck to what i do and ah ma that is taking care of me but forcing me to break up...

i told myself.. give me some time.. let me finish my studies and let him finish his studies.. we will then see if we are still going strong... that drag on for another 3 yrs... we have our fights and downs.. but we are always able to get pass it and move on.. is that good.. of coz it is good to me.. who don't want a man that can stand by her.. lend her a shoulder to lend on.. he is all i ever wanted.,

 but in Sep 2015.. my ah ma found out that i have cheat her of breaking up with YW.. so that is when the big fight started... i was in war with my ah ma.. we see each other daily but we are not talking to each other... there is always silent between us.. which in my 25 yrs of life nv happen.. she refuse to talk to me.. and got all my aunts, uncles and cousins to talk me out..

what i have i done to deserve it.. can you imagine the pressure.. and the work pressure... beside he is being understanding to me.. but telling me to ignore it is no longer possible... i dun see a reason why i shd break up with him... that is when my ah ma throw me a Grenade.. it is either him or us (family)... if i choose him.. in future with anything happen she will not be there for me.. and she will not give me the blessing... telling me to think carefully for my future since i have a mother that dont give a damn to me..

i told him that .. we tried.. really tried to come up with a solution but nothing came up.. i think he is too sick of it le.. so it is a sign for me to let go.. i dont want to hold on to him and if anything happen in the future, i bet he will hate me more.. so i took that step and broke off on 3 Oct 2015 with me weeping like nobody business on his shoulder.. i can never forget the night with that look on his eyes..

after that we tried to talk it out... but i think he is too strong headed on it.. and we stop all contact... over a night i felt like i lost everything.. i lost my best friend, my soul mate, the only person that i can talk abt anything in this world to... my heart is struggling very hard...

so after 2 month where i met him again.. the whole heart breaking feeling came back... i kept my cool.. but inside bleeding... i hate that i have to let him go.. i may be without any direction.. i felt empty inside..

after that a sequence of events happened and we fall out again.. that is when i know that it is the end.. our relationship of 8yrs had died... i force myself not to look at his Instagram and Facebook.. i shut myself up... i went out alone,, i do a lot of things alone..

two weeks after our fallout.. i saw that he is in love with another gal... so tell me what is 8 yrs of relationship when he can easily find another one... what is love to me at that moment.. i will tell you.. it is bullshit..... love is something that you can change your mind easily.. love is something that is not stable and hurts you like shit... 8 days after we broke up... he told me that i will regret... i had lost someone important.. that is true..

but 3 months after we broke off and he found someone new,,, it make me realise something.. love is all mouth talk.. maybe i am the one that is more slow in getting over... but in the new year .. i tell myself.. no more.. i will not make myself sad anymore with all his nonsense... i will live my way with my family... since i am not able to get love.. at least i got my family with me... so if you ask me if i regret my decision of breaking off.. maybe in the first place but it seem to get better with time... family is still there for me when i fall...

for this new year,, i wan a new relationship.. i wan someone that will appreciate me and love me.. someone that can not do without me (not just mouth only)... and i wan my family and friends to have all the joy and health this year... i will not dull on my past that i can not change.. but i will change my present for a better future... :)

this post is not meant to target anyone but for the story of my relationship,, something that i didn't tell anyone coz at that point of time i am not ready to share, but like to clarify it now..