few hours count down..

well..

finally i come to this day....

in a few hours time i will be wearing my robe..

but the inside me is totally not feeling happy at all...

i felt empty....

still haven told me my ah ma about it yet...

i am an asshole..

maybe..

but jiu shi kai bu liao kou....

talk to sharon Ytd... 

but i dun wan my negativity to cover her...

so only talk talk a bit..

she felt that i kept too many things to myself..

but i  dun noe how to take it all out from me..

i wan a drink that can make me lost my memory..

haha... 

emo again..

sorry readers..

maybe i am just someone that can not handle pressure so well...

Listen to 'Sorry' by Justin Bieber...

well..

got  a tiring day today..
went to sch for my graduation and i refuse to let my mum go with me..
i only brought my ah ma along and i give the second ticket to TFF..

i decide to be stubborn for once and i dun care if she cry a not..
first time stepping in after so long...

well..
i have a dream or a promise that we will walk down that graduation road together..
as in before the year end...
but things have gotten to this point so ya...
got flower from tff and fanni who took time to come down and find us..
haha..
oh i graduate with peggy also.. ;)

and my ah ma is super happy...
but for me..
i just feel okay okay only lor..

well..
for this post..
i will really like to thank yao wei for the past five years..
i know it had been tough..
coz although he is also studying but his exam is nv the same as mine..
so actually when he is holidaying i am having exams..
but he have always been there to give me moral support and stand by me..
pei me study although he is playing games at starbucks...
hours and hours at starbuck...
sometime he just come down so that i can study..
i will say without his support and patience..
i will nv have make it out of my uni life...

and the motivation that he have given me...
downloading drama for me.. so that i will relax a bit while studying...
took care of my needs...
i will say that the honours of mine is his to claim...
i will not have done it without him..
i noe you all might think that it is my family that help me through..

but nope..
he have done a lot for me and really help me a lot..
although he is not talking to me now and nor will he come down to find me...
but i still wan to say a really big thank you for being there..

i owe this degree to you..
and i believe without you i will not have graduated today..
i will not have make it through..
coz there have been so many times that i wan to give up on this studies and working..
but he give me the strength and support to go through all these..

so it is really a big thank you to you for what i have today..
i wish you all the best for your future studies and jia you too...
i believe  you can do it better then i did!! :)

erm..
my family did support me..
but i really wan to thank yao wei..
if not for him..
i wun have come this far... :)

as for my mum..
i dun think she will understand why i am ignoring her..
family....
sometime it just make me wonder worth it a not.... 

what have been so great about it..

so my new job scope is to act blind, mute and deaf...
i think i can get used to it..

tomorrow is my graduation..
and the miscommunication with my ah ma and me is still not solve yet..
wondering how my mum will feel if i ask my ah ma if she wan to go a not and i dun wan my mum to go..

i admit that i am stubborn..
talk to my uncle about it ..
and he told me that coz ah ma is too concern about me..
but why she didn't trust me in the first place...

i didnt ask much..
i just wan my voice to be heard...

it used to be my ah ma being my whole world...
but now.. i am not longer sure...

four yrs of study with dream of graduating and take graduation photo with him..
someone who he can be proud of..
a ticket that is kept for him..
but well..
poof and it is all gone..

as for my ah ma.. hoping she will be by my side...
but she is not...

sometime i just get too emo as i dun noe where i stand..

i start to wonder if i shd graduate at all a not..
if i didn't graduate.. will everything stay like last time..

oh.. and ask him if i can use his membership..
just wondering why ppl dun like to reply..
short reply of can not or can....
is it that difficult..
i dun understand..
or maybe it is just me being to sensitive...
maybe i shd really listen to her once...


listening to "7 Years"

two more days..

so it is going to my graduation this fri..
but i am not feeling happy about it..

shd i just go alone???

so i got TFF to go for my graduation..
i will still keep one ticket for my ah ma..
 but if she don't want to go den i will just forgo that ticket..

anyway.. dun ask me why i dun wan my mum to go..
i think it has just built up in my emotions that make me feel that i am a trash to her..

dun ask me why i have that feeling..
i felt that she have nv contribute much to my life..
so...

i will just support her and hope that she is out of my life..
this post is super emo..
nowadays i can not understand why my mood is like that..

even at office..
i felt like i am being targeted...
my attitude..
but if you guys nv push me to this end..
will i have become like that..
i doubt so..

okay...
let me go and emo..

i dun wan them to come for my graduation at all if possible..

just knew it... nv end..

so that big mouth go and complaint to my ah ma regarding to what i have done in thailand...

and my ah ma go full blown nuclear on me... 

ytd i knew that when i go home and my ah ma give me that one kind of look..

i bet she must have told her..

but i kept my cool..

what make you think that i am stupid...

after that.. 

when i go dinner..

my ah ma turn my hand to look at it..

and i kept quiet..

i know that ah ma is targeting me..

but nv say it out..

after all of them have been gone..

i was on the sofa watching tv and mentality slping..

my ah ma came up to me and say that i put tattoo on my hand..

so i explain..

it is just temporary one..

but she insist that i wash it off..

of coz i refuse.. 

and it got her more pissed off..

saying that why i have change so much... 

as in i started to gamble and put tattoo..

for your information..

i only play mahjong coz my friend ask me too..

not that i am easily influence..

but i wan to try everything at least once of a life of my own..

i know that i will make many stupid mistakes..

but i wan to experience life..

i know where my limit go..

i go mahjong with friends, i go clubbing with my friends, i hang out late,

i put tattoo, i ignore ppl, i put friendship band on leg... 

yup..

i know all are what ah lians will do...

but  i am sick of living a life that ppl telling me what i must do..

i am sick of ppl telling me that i am in the wrong.

i am sick of ppl thinking that i am perfect when i am really not..

but i know my limits..

i nv go drinking until drunk,,

i never go gambling until i lost my sense..

well i am not addicted to mahjong at all..

i will nv try smoking as i dislike it personally.. 

i will not have fling or one night stand with ppl just to know what is night life..

i will just try to put temporary tattoo.. 

but i will nv get a real one as i am scare of pain..

i will not do things that i know it is a dead end on the other side..

if you ask me what have made me change..

i will say that it is largely due to the living condition that i am in and the relationship i have given up..

to be frank..

something can never be remove..

even when the wound are healed..

just like a thorn in my heart when my ah ma forced me to let go of my relationship..

i will heal but the thorn had nv been gone..

i wan to try at least a life of my own to really know what is life..

i mean..

you all can tell me what to do is right or wrong coz you all have experience it once in life..

so that i will not go a long way back..

but ever wonder if sometime life will need to have some detours and mistakes to make it..

how you learn if you have nv fall..

how you grow when you have nv try...

if the mistake is not that big and can be changeable..

why not you let them try it once..

let them learn..

they will never grow in a pamper conditions...

once in awhile.. 

you just have to let me go and let me face it..

so what is i have listen to you..

what have i gain???

and what have i learn???

1 thing i have learnt from this break up..

i got through hell and suffer..

if you keep telling me that i deserve a better one..

show me that better one..

dun tell me YOU ARE VERY OPEN MINDED..

COZ if you are.. you WUN have forced me..

sometime i just think that you tell me that i have to behave myself coz you have your face to care..

seriously at this moment.. 

i no longer care..

i hate the life that i am having now..

the suffering i am going through..

the feeling of other in pair and you alone..

still can ask me if there is anyone out there looking out for you a not..

let be frank..

i am a laughstock becoz of you..

everyone telling me..

if they wan to intro..

they have to go and see the Bai Zi first before anything..

so..

tell me about it..

i am in this state coz of who..

well it is a long post..

coz i am thinking if i shd just go for my graduation alone..

i dun feel like BRING  anyone along..

not even my ah ma and not to say my mum..

oh and to add on..

my ah ma told my mum that i will bring her along..

and my ah ma just promise my mum that i will also ask my mum along coz she think that i have to let her go..

see..

that is what i mean..

is this my life?? 

back to work before i get into problem again..

back from Thailand and reality...

a 4 day trip is just too short for mi...
how i wish i can run far far away..

my eyes are super tired..
and closing at the same time...
haha..
shd have taken time off..
and i bought super lot of things from thailand..
haha..

imagine my luggage to Thailand is 8kg and i come back with 18kg..
haha..
bought so many things for my friends and family..
mostly food la..

and i still got this habit of buying things for him..
oh my god..
have to remove my this bad habit..
haha..
MOVE ON...
yea...

so when i reach home ytd at 11 plus..
thanks to jasmine parents for sending me back...
haha..
imagine i have to cab home from airport..
the money confirm burn sia..

anyway back home..
and my mum saw my temporary tattoo..
haha...
imagine what she say...

WHY YOU GO AND DISFIGURE YOURSELF...
HOW CAN YOU DO THAT AS A GAL!!!!!
YOU KNOW ANY OF YOUR COUSINS GOT DO THIS A NOT..

i ignore all her scolding and nagging...
coz i am old enough to know what i am doing and i don't need ppl to keep reminding me..
if you say i have change..
any idea who caused this change..
and who caused me to become like that..

it just show that you all don't understand me...
well i have nv intend to answer to anyone..
so yea...

saw something on facebook..
so how wondering if i ever reach that stage a not...

working life sucks..

when time alway fly when i am in holiday...

screw myself up...
overbuy!!!! too much too much..

only 3 days and i already spent at least SGD 500...
oh god why..
also dun noe what i have bought..
haha..

and i have to go back to Singapore tomorrow...
why time passed so fast..
haha...
oh technically is today la..
since it is already 2 am in singapore..

haha... how i wish this continue forever... :)
well...
today or to say ytd..

did something crazy with jasmine..
haha..
we done temporary tattoo...
wondering why i have done it and the wording is "move on" ...
hope it is a reminder to me that everyone else have move on except for me still going round circle..
so i think i will see it for a week to remind myself...
stop going back but forward...
haha...

this week i have a good runaway..
and i think i will do it soon again..
haha...

AWAY AND FREE!!!!!

i am free from all the nonsense that i face everyday..

yeah!!!
how painful it is when you wan to say it out but no one is listening...
so you run away..
away from everything..

bangkok!!! and everyone is going there lately...
reach bangkok at 1pm...
and a bit of delay on the flight due to congestion in the airport..
so..

den we took a cab to the hotel...
wondering how many of us..
haha...

just me, jasmine and her sister in law and the sister in law ...
and i will be sharing 1 room with jasmine..
anyway..
one of the place that i am suppose to go with him..
after his graduation..
so it nv happen again...

well..
jasmine is under a lot of pressure and kind of moody toward the end of the day..
so it is just me and her sister in law and mum...
haha..

so i am not just a baby killer.. i am also auntie killer..
haha.. her sister-in-law mum like me a lot and keep joking with me...
well i am just likeable ba.. :P
haha...

nonsense again liao..
so it just mean that i need my beauty slp le..
night ppl... :)

and once again... hi from bangkok..
haha...
i will be back on sunday la..
so readers dun have to missed me too much..
and also i am bring my laptop...
so ya...
constant update...

i know...
there is explosion at Bangkok..
we will be careful and keep ourselves safe one..